on the rails of the crazy train

I have been searching for answers for the last few months. Why did this happen to my family? Is it meant to be? should I get the hell out of here? Most people probably wouldnt stick around when they find out their husbands has a mental health problem. In fact I have had several people tell me " you need to run" you need to do whats best for your family" ok well what is best for my family breaking it up or riding the crazy trail?
          I had made an appointment to have my tarot cards read back in September for the first time.. The date of the appointment happened to be the day after the "incident" happened. So I go to a what I like to call Mystical store in Portland. There is a woman outside looking like she could be in an episode of Roseanne yeah know plaid shirt tough looking 80's perm that's not maintained swearing to one of Portland's finest, I try not to make eye contact and just walk into the store. Come to find out that sidewalk gypsy was the lady doing the reading. She brings me to this back room has me shuffle the cards and then starts with her wisdom from the universe. Well right off she is like I see your in a long term relationship and it seems like you are either going to be leaving it or thinking about leaving it. Well at that point I was I just witnessed my husband go ape shit and get hauled off in handcuffs of course I was thinking I needed to get the hell out. She starts telling me im gonna meet a man who is older he has kids we are going to be this big happy family i need to ditch the old and move on to the new. I left there thinking well that would be nice to meet someone and have them take care of me for a change but not really satisfied in my search for answers. I did what any normal person would do in my situation, seeked professional help and prescription drugs.

Have you been flossing?

Today I have a dentist appointment. So what everyone has dentist appointments, yes maybe some people are nervous where as others are fine with it and just carry on their day. Well when you have an anxiety disorder something like this thrown into the mix of my normal everyday routine it pretty much tragic. Preparation for this day started back in July when I made the appointment. I have canceled and rescheduled three times and finally have told myself you are going to this one. Last night I started mentally preparing myself ya know verbally saying " I'm nervous" and "I hope there's no cavities" to my family so they will calm me by saying you will be fine, however my husband in turn says well you haven't been in so long they are probably going to find a cavity. See though I have not been to the dentist in over 5 years I have never had a cavity or braces or any teeth problems. You would think I would love going to the dentist just to show of my mouth of perfection. Nope not at all whenever I am faced with any sort of doctor related things my first thoughts are..im going to literally poop my pants right there in the chair, I am going to pass out and then throw up all over the place, They are going to find some sort of mouth cancer or other horrible disease that will end up killing me in the weeks to come. Crazy? ya I know..So this is the morning in fact I have to be there in 30mins. To calm my anxiety the best way I can, I have made myself poop 3 times, and taken what I like to call poop pills so that there is no way I will have to poop during this appointment. I have also taken 1.5 klonopin to hopefully calm me down, I have pack a bag with everything I may need in  case I get stranded out there or do poop my pants I have extra clothes. Prayed to Jesus I don't die right there on the table brushed my teeth and flossed twice in hopes of a speedy exam. I think I am good to go now wish me luck. :)  My therapist is going to have a field day with this tonight.

Welcome

Well here we go again I have decided to start another blog..I know what your thinking "geez crazy train why don't you work on the other two you have going on". I feel like my life is so crazy that it needs several blogs just to get a clear picture of what the hell is going on. I am a 30 year old, married, have a 3 year old who btw is awesome. sounds perfect right..well i live like a nomad, my husband had a mental breakdown, and I suffer from anxiety. Well because I'm heavily medicated myself I am able to laugh at my situation most of the time, and I hope that you are too. This isnt a pitty party but more of a form of therapy for myself and a way to get the word out about mental health. I just also really love to tell stories. So welcome to my new blog and enjoy the ride down the rabbit hole.